10.05.2012

I Danced Naked Under The Blue, Blue Moon.

Women have struggled with body image issues for who knows how long. From the time when our bodies begin to change, giving us breast buds, hair in weird places and ultimately our first blood into pregnancy, breastfeeding, weight fluctuation, menopause, etc. Our bodies are forever evolving, and sometimes that is difficult to accept. While some girls stuff their bras in anticipation of their womanhood, others will bind down those breasts in an attempt to try to hide what is happening to them. Each journey into and through womanhood is our own, and if we are lucky enough we will have strong female and male presences in our lives to help guide us through. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for most of us as we are living with a serious generational gap of empowered, sacred living. Not to worry though, it's coming back through us and now we will be given the opportunity to pass these ways down to our children - hopefully eliminating much of their struggle to find these answers and connections to themselves and their world around them. 

I have spoken in this blog about my journey as a foster child, a kid with no real home or guidance to speak of, especially when it came to matters of spirit or sacredness. Most of what I have learned is because I was always observant and open minded, and always had a deep calling and connection to the Earth around me. Though there wasn't anyone to teach me how to appreciate my body - or to treat it as the sacred temple of my spirit that it is - I still learned. True, I learned the hard way....by first using and abusing my body through what I thought was a means of getting my power back from the men and women who abused and neglected me by giving it away to men and women later on. My body was always a source of power to me - I knew that it could be used for good or evil, and I have used it for both.

I was the kind of girl who wanted my body to evolve from it's boyish childlike state into the curvaceous beautiful body of my mother who had a sea of beauty and character that she gave away to no one worthy. I was raped and molested from a very young age and never really felt like a child, therefore felt uncomfortable in my child body. When I began to change I remember hating the process - the awkward in between. Then, I got curves....but mostly in my upper thighs. I was self conscious of this and didn't learn to appreciate my "Goddess Thighs" until much later in my journey, even if the boys didn't seem to mind. These hips and thighs were then and still are a great source of my sexual power and energy - I've heard myself referred to as "walking sex" many times - and I am. I'm always channeling and drawing from this immense amount of sexual energy I have within me, and, ever since I've learned how to better harness this energy I have found more love for myself and others, more balance and far more peace than I ever knew I could. I no longer look to others to validate me, I look to myself, my spirit. 

I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel balanced and hopeful for my future and especially for the future of my children. As I saw the destructive cycles in many families and how they seemed to play on loop through the generations, I knew that I would have to break that even from a very young age. And, though I did not know exactly how (other than to NOT do the things I had seen others do), I was and still am a quite determined individual who doesn't like to be told what to do. I think that the people in my youth who told me I would "be just like my mom" were really the ones who deserve a lot of credit, because without that I may not have felt so pushed and determined NOT to be like her. Maybe it's the Aries/Taurus in me...or maybe this was why I came. Not only to help myself through this struggle, but to be that example for others, to inspire them to be the change as well - whatever that means for them. 

For me, this meant establishing a family, a circle of support and friendship that is beyond blood and DNA - my "soul family" as one of my best friends, Karen Hays, calls it. It's been almost a year since I listened to the call within me to start a "Sister Circle" and put out a beacon for my soul family to come to. It's been an incredible journey so far, words honestly can not describe. Miracles happen within this circle - the Universe begins to work in our favor and intuition grows immensely - connections to each other are instant and sacred and feel as though they have existed all along, like pieces of the puzzle simply falling into place. Together we address everything - nothing is taboo or untouchable within the circle. We can come to each other with absolutely anything with pure trust and respect for one another, leaving behind all judgement and replacing it with pure understanding and respect for the path that each of us are on. We do not rush a sister through her journey trying to get her to the destination we believes she belongs at - instead, we offer to listen, to walk next to and be supportive, letting her find her own strength and path towards her own destination. 

Recently, on the Blue Moon in August, our circle of sisters gathered in a secluded, sacred place with the intention of shedding our layers and showing our true forms before ourselves and one another. This was profound for all of us in so many different and beautiful ways. For some, taking their clothing off before a circle of women was a great challenge that was scary and intimidating. For others, it was empowering to be granted the permission to be naked with confidence. We talked about our bodies and how we perceived them, we created an intention - a release - which was represented in a piece of paper which we threw into the fire just before baring ourselves before a mirror within the circle under the most beautiful full Blue Moon, who granted us with plentiful light paired with a spectacular cloud display through the night. I will never, ever forget this night as I'm sure the womb'en who were in attendance will not as well. The imagery is ingrained in my existence - "I got naked and danced under the full moon with my sisters".....there is something about knowing that about yourself that changes you. I'm truly getting to do all those things I fantasized about as a child - a sisterhood such as this is something that I think many of us have wanted or even play pretended to have but maybe felt wasn't a possibility....but it is, you just have to create it.

Our Blue Moon Sister Circle
As I walked naked through this perfectly illuminated field of tall weeds on a path that we had beaten down together throughout the night, I felt my animal self emerge within me. I walked like a Lioness. Strong - each step poised and confidently placed in front of the other. I moved stealthily with ease and grace and was unafraid of coming across other animals and 'beings', which I was keenly aware of. The land, the animals and spirits that resided within this space seemed to be aware of us, the woods that surrounds us completely were alive and definitely interested. I did not have a desire to go into the woods, though I was not afraid of them. I was, however, aware of their power. It felt protective to us, but, on a level that kept us away from it as well. There was a point at the end of the night when most of the sisters had fallen asleep, I believe it was around 4 in the morning...I had brought with me my Moon Blood to give back to the Earth Mother ceremonially once I could be alone. As I was seeking the place to do this I walked off the path but was given a definite red flag that I was about to step into something bad - so - I turned around quickly....finding a beautiful spot under the moon that did feel right. I poured my libation there, giving thanks for the Earth and Moon, for my sisters and this night. Asking for abundance so that I may continue the work that has been asked of me. 

My offering was accepted, though sloppy in my own regard. I am still breaking down the walls over the perception of my blood and how to offer it. I am confident up until the moment of actually offering it when thoughts of "What if someone finds it? What if they can smell it? What if the smell will attract animals??"...but, this is all part of the journey of getting over our fears and perceptions. When I first began collecting my blood offerings I was very aware of how strong the smell was. It wasn't "bad" to me, just strong. Now, I love that smell. I enjoy that it is mine - my essence. It's strength represented by how powerful I am as a womb'an and how far I've come in accepting all of me. Every time I offer it gets easier....with this last time with the Harvest Moon being exceptionally beautiful and easy.

I share these details here knowing that there are going to be people who do not get it. After the comments in my previous post, I surprisingly did not find myself doubting what I was doing or where my intentions were coming from. I was confused by some of it, and had some theories about who was posting a couple of times - but, more than anything I felt validated in who I am and that I am doing something good for not only myself, but potentially others as well. The things I write about are intimate, they reflect a journey I am on that I realize not everyone will or can understand. I share these details unapologetically knowing and admitting that I am learning and do not "know all the answers". Writing about this helps me process and heal, so, whether or not you "jive" with what I'm talking about I would hope that there is at least a level of honor and respect granted there. These details are private, and yes, I am sharing them in a very public way. I know that means that I am opening myself up to judgement and hurtful comments from others - but, for the few who will get something out of this - and for myself who grows a great deal from it, I think it's more than worth it. And, I forgive the haters. I've been there and I know that I am not perfect, either, and never would or could be.

A special note to my sisters: You are the most beautiful reflections of love, life, healing, friendship and family I've ever known. I see my story, the potential of us as individuals and of the world in each of you. I am honored to share and grow with you, I'm honored to call you my sisters. Migwetch/Thank You - especially those of you who were in the photo above and granted me your permission to use it here. 

43 comments:

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Again, ashamed of lunatics (literally) like yourself.
Get a job.

Juliea said...

Sooooooo.....people with jobs don't do this {pretty sure that's a misconception}? Am I supposed to be insulted?

You are so ashamed of ME that you can't even come on here as a real person and represent yourself? Why would I possibly take anything some anonymous person says to me seriously?

Thanks for taking time out of your life to be a dick - just for me. <3

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